Catharsis
by Terracea
Summary: Sometimes, it's better to write your feelings on paper and read it out loud.


**A/N: **I decided to rewrite this oneshot between Satoshi and Mayaka. Yes, _rewrite_. You may have read this story before so yeah. Haha. Enjoy!

I was riding a plane to Hong Kong and saw a movie titled "Alan and Naomi" on the list of the available films you can watch on board. I had no idea it was a tearjerker.

* * *

Satoshi and Mayaka did their homework together in the clubroom that afternoon, on the big table where the members of the Classics Club would often discuss things which are not exactly club related. First, Mayaka helped Satoshi with his Math. While Satoshi had trouble fighting his blurred vision and distorted hearing during Mr. Tanaka's class, Mayaka taught him in a way which made him remember something complicated like the **PEMDAS **(which surprisingly turned out to be extremely basic).

They decided to do English next – and Satoshi didn't need Mayaka's help on this one. They had to write a _character portrait_ of a person they admired the most. Satoshi started to write about his best friend Houtarou, but stopped when he realized that it's better if he wrote about his favorite author instead.

Before he could erase what he had written, he thought that he should ask for Mayaka's opinion on the matter.

He glanced up only to see her eyes focused on her paper as she rapidly stroke the tip of her pen up and down, from left to right.

"Why so serious?" Satoshi asked. "You must be writing about Doyle or Christie."

"Shut up. I'm writing about you."

"Me! You can't do that!"

Mayaka paused her rapid writing only to look at Satoshi squarely in the eye. "I _want _to write about you."

Now it was Satoshi's turn to pause for a moment, then crossed out Houtarou's name on his paper. "OK then! I'll write about _you_!"

She blushed, then continued to write. Satoshi decided to start writing too. And the room turned quiet – except for the rustle of the leaves of the trees outside the window.

Mayaka broke the silence by tapping her pen twice, and Satoshi looked up.

"Something bothering you, Mayaka?"

"No," she replied. "I just thought that you should…"

She bit her lip. As if she hesitated for a bit. Satoshi watched as she tapped her pen thrice – _click, click, click!_

"Let's exchange papers after we write them down." She finally said. Satoshi noticed that her expression had a mix of bravery, anxiety and curiosity.

He grimaced at first, pensive and hesitant. But he was curious, and he thought that he should at least know what Mayaka wrote about him.

"How about we also read them out loud?" Satoshi said.

Mayaka fidgeted with her pen first before nodding in agreement.

"Yeah, let's do that."

He smiled, and then he continued to write.

As he wrote, he felt quite certain that Mayaka was about to write a lot of great things about him. He felt a bit guilty that he couldn't reciprocate the compliments Mayaka gushed on her paper – probably because he's a boy, and boys don't really write about _girls_… and _feelings_… and _stuff_.

Fifteen minutes later, Satoshi felt a sudden urge to erase everything he wrote. He grabbed the eraser next to Mayaka's elbow. He couldn't help but feel his eyes dart towards Mayaka's paper. He gasped. He couldn't believe it! Her handwriting reached half of the paper, and Satoshi was just about to start from scratch! He rapidly scrawled, not minding the hasty handwriting.

_Wait till she reads this,_ he thought. _Just wait_.

Mayaka had to wait for Satoshi to finish writing before they swapped papers. She studied what he wrote for a while, and then scowled.

"What happened to your neat handwriting?"

He shrugged.

"Fine," she said, as her eyes moved from his face to his paper. "Mayaka is a sixteen-year-old wonder. A _wonder_?"

He shrugged again.

"She has brown hair and pink eyes – which is quite baffling because she's the only one I know who has pink eyes… I'm sorry if I have messed up genetics!"

He shrugged, and then gave her an apologetic look this time.

"…pink eyes and is 148 centimeters tall (or should I say _short)_ – I am so not short! I'm taller than my cousins!... And is also the smartest girl I ever met… Thank you!"

"You're welcome!" he replied, then gave her a gesture to continue reading.

"She experiments with her hair whenever she gets the chance to cosplay, and she's pretty when she dresses up in characters from a certain _manga_ or _anime_ I haven't heard of… but she looks best if she's just wearing her uniform… really?"

Satoshi smiled as he nodded. "Keep reading." He urged.

"I find her beautiful in a lot of ways – most especially when she cooks… it's like watching a professional _Iron Chef _at work… She also likes to… Hey! Fuku-chan! I can't read this!"

"You have to. You promised!"

"You're mean! Anyway, where was I?" She skimmed through the words she finished reading out loud and found where she left off. She let out a loud "_ahem_" before reading the next sentence.

"She also likes to think about me all the time because she has a big crush on me since God-knows-when… you _obviously _know when I started having a big crush on you!"

"Then that makes me _God_ – well, if we put my logic and your logic together-"

"No." she interjected.

Satoshi raised his brow. "No?"

"Overall," Mayaka continued, ignoring him. "Mayaka is an amazing, wonderful, smart and inspiring girl, with a beautiful face that makes you forget her height… Why are you implying I'm short?! I am not short! You… you're a- a… mean person!"

"Ouch!" Satoshi exclaimed, thankful that she didn't fuss over the fact that he called her beautiful.

She blushed, then shoved her paper towards him. "Read mine!"

He took the sheet of paper. "Okay… Satoshi, or _Fuku-chan_, is the most spontaneous friend I ever had. You should listen to him talk – he's very funny and witty… most especially if I retort, you should put that there."

"I did. Just keep reading."

"Oh?" He read silently where he left off.

"Found it! Continuing in 3… 2…"

"_Reaaaad_!"

"…most especially if someone says something stupid, he retorts in a clever way that makes everyone think before laughing. Speaking of laughing, he has the weirdest laugh I ever heard. It's loud, cheerful and upbeat – just like him. His laugh perfectly represents his personality…"

He smiled. "Gee, your essay is so detailed."

"It has to be!" Mayaka exclaimed, then her voice swiftly softened. "After all… It's about you…"

He can't help but smile wider. Mayaka is really a friend from the heart. If he had a girlfriend, he would want that she should be like her. A girlfriend is sweet, Mayaka is sweet.

Why can't he just allow himself to be with her?

_But that wouldn't be fun now, would it?_

That's right. He shouldn't feel that way. It's difficult to feel that way.

"Mayaka, I—I'm so sorry I—"

"You also promised!"

He sighed. It was his idea, and Mayaka took advantage of it. He decided that he should really just read it, for the sake of being fair and square.

"He is part of various clubs, clubs you'd never expect a boy to join. In fact, we're in the same club, the Classic Literature Club – or simply, the Classics Club. I often look forward to every club meeting because I get to listen to him talk and laugh. Because of the club, both of us grew closer and I got to appreciate him more."

His eyes moved to the next paragraph. "He used to be very obsessed with winning, to be the very best. After spending afternoons with him in the clubroom, I realized that he's not that person anymore. In fact, he used to get angry whenever he loses in various games—_I do not! ..._and if he wins, he accuses the loser of letting him win or boast about how awesome he is—that's sort of true… Lately, he's just not that person anymore. He would often let other people shine instead… he's a good sport now."

"But if there's something that Satoshi should know, it's that he's always a winner to me. He's always first in my heart—Oh, Mayaka... And I love him—"

Mayaka snatched the paper out of Satoshi's hand. "That's as far as you can go!"

Satoshi's eyes began to sting. His chest started to hurt. What seemed to be an innocent exchange of compliments turned into a terrible exchange of let downs.

_I love you too, Mayaka. _He wanted to say. _You're a great girl - and I'm extremely happy that you feel this way towards me._ _But I still didn't think about it. I still feel hesitant to start a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you. I can't be obsessed with you yet. I don't want to regress... to return to who I was before. I'm not ready to—-_

"I'm sorry, Fuku-chan." She apologized, breaking the silence. "I didn't want you to read any further. I hate feeling this… this…" she started to move her hands in an attempt to try letting her actions explain the words she couldn't say.

Satoshi waited. He had difficulty keeping a straight face. He was anxious to know the next word. So anxious that he felt like running away. He started to push his chair back, but Mayaka remembered the word – and whether he liked it or not, he should at least listen to what she had to say.

"_Disappointment_. Yes. That's the word." She said. "An understatement, even."

He was taken aback. He just kept quiet because he didn't want to screw everything up by saying something_ stupid_... most especially if it just _disappoints_ her. She implied that he disappointed her a lot - and he hated himself for it. Because, the truth is: when somebody says _I'm disappointed in you_, it hurts more than _I'm angry at you._

If he could just let go of his selfish needs, tell her he _actually does love her_, then nobody would get hurtanymore.

"All I want is for you to tell me that you love me." She continued. "Or just say that you _like_ me."

"I do." Satoshi heard himself say. He couldn't hold himself back anymore. "I _do_ like you."

"Okay." Mayaka said quickly, staring at the paper in her hand.

A fleeting moment passed by – and Satoshi couldn't help but feel a lightness. It's as if he yanked the constricting chain off his heart. Did she feel that too? It seemed so. After all, he confessed. He told her _half _of what he truly felt. Why was she quiet?

Tears began to flow down her cheeks.

Satoshi didn't know how to react. He didn't know the right words to say. All he wanted to do was to comfort her. Say everything will be okay. And _hug_ her… tight.

But he just had to make things worse by saying something stupid.

"Mayaka, er.. you can't, um… you know, you can't give _that_ to… you _absolutely_ can't give that to the teacher."

"I… yeah. Here, take it. You can crumple it for me if you like." She said as she placed her supposed essay on the table in front of her. She hurriedly gathered her things and left. The door closed with its usual _thud_.

Satoshi took the paper on the table and folded it carefully, and then he slipped it into one of his pockets.

* * *

Later that night, Satoshi reread what Mayaka had written about him _thrice _before going to bed. Ten minutes later, he switched on the lamp next on his bedside table and dialed Mayaka's cellphone number.

She didn't answer.

_She's probably asleep_. He thought.

He fished the paper next to the lamp he just switched on. Unfolded it, then read it again.

_...And I love him. I'll never get tired of telling him that. I just wish that one day; he'll accept it and tell me that after all this time… he feels the same way too._

* * *

**FIN**


End file.
